Aquaria-based story

[WiZaRDuSS]

I've started to try and write a story(novel maybe, depends on what my mind is going to make up next..)
And it's going to be based on the story of Aquaria, for now mainly the fact that the main character lost her memory, and lives all alone in an oceanic world..
I'm going to try and move away from the story that's in the game, to be a tad original.

If people are interested I think I might start to try and release a chapter every month or so.

Also, I would like to ask Alec/Derek if they mind about me using a part of the storyline. Since it's still their story, I would like their approval on using their ideas.

And well, here's a sneak peek of what I have so far(mind, it's quite similar still to the Aquaria's story):

I was simply swimming around in my home cave, looking at the walls I had seen so often. Always have I considered this my home, but lately, those feelings changed. I grew more anxious of the outside World. I wanted – no, needed – to see more of this world, the beauty of nature and its inhabitants. But more than anything, I wanted to find out about my past.
I have lived alone for years now, and I can’t remember anything else, though I know there has been more. That’s why I want to go, I want to try and remember where I came from, what the customs of my race were. I want to learn so much, but I don’t know where to start.
I am one of the countless diverse creatures to live in the oceans of Claesha-itryn.

Claesha-itryn does have a meaning behind it, Clae stands for sea, sha for rose(beauty), itryn for history. With it trying to combine the beauty, history and mystery of the sea(since, in my ears, it has some kind of mysterious sound )

I won't be posting more, for one, I'd like to know what people think of this already, and if Alec and/or Derek would mind  .
So, give your opinion, everything is accepted, as long as it's something I can use and not pointless flaming, I will just ignore that

[Lady-Succubus]

It sounds like Aquaria: The Novelization. =^.^=

[WiZaRDuSS]

As I said, the start is very similar to Aquaria storyline, that´s why I want some kind of approval from either one of the creators. But as I also mentioned, I am going to take a different path with the story, not exactly sure which path, but we´ll see when the time´s there, for now I´m just curious what people think of the way its written, and how they think of it as an intro to a story which they don´t yet know.

So yeah, what you just said was pretty much what I already pointed out in my first post

[Lady-Succubus]

That's why I was confirming your first post, not criticizing it. :3

[Echolocating]

As I said, the start is very similar to Aquaria storyline, that´s why I want some kind of approval from either one of the creators. But as I also mentioned, I am going to take a different path with the story, not exactly sure which path, but we´ll see when the time´s there, for now I´m just curious what people think of the way its written, and how they think of it as an intro to a story which they don´t yet know.

First off, I don't read for pleasure. I got through the first 3 Harry Potter books on a long business trip and it pained me to finish them... and I love Harry Potter. Secondly, I shouldn't post when it's late at night, but here goes... 

Unfortunately, nothing really grabs me with your paragraph. This underwater creature has been alone for quite a while and now she's leaving her home for the sake of curiosity? ...why now? Something needs to happen or have happened to drive her out and explore, or it won't make sense.  What was holding her back for so long? Your sentences are constructed well and they do flow nicely, but your trying to sell us on something here... and there's really nothing of interest other than the setting, which we already know about. Why is she leaving now? Why should we care about this character? Also, the paragraph doesn't contain any emotion. Bring the reader into the character's mind. If she's uncomfortable from the prolonged solitude, express that in her thoughts.

And don't think that a paragraph isn't enough to convey all that you need to pique our interest. For example, in a single sentence you could have her take an uneasy glance at an old wound that reminds her and effectively informs the reader that it's a dangerous place out there. Maybe that's why she stayed so long in one place. She was afraid.

Please take my criticism with a grain of salt though. Like I said, I don't read books so maybe I'm not qualified.

[Alphasoldier]

I'd suggest making a story before of after Aquaria happens, not making an alternative timeline, but that's just me.

Your first paragraph looks a bit... a bit too familiar to actually think "Oh hey, now that's some nice writing.".
And just mentioning one sea, the last thing in the paragraph while completely explaining what it is, kind of completely takes away the mysteriousness.

[WiZaRDuSS]

@ Echolating
Even though you don't often read books, you do have quite a nice look at it, from my point of view anyway. And what you said, now that I look at it, there isn't really anything to catch the reader, and to explain why she left. That's why I need the feedback, since I already have part of what I want to happen in my head, it's easier to look over stuff like that. I am probably going to change it to have more emotion, and perhaps some kind of explainantion as to why she wants to leave all of a sudden. I have been thinking about her being afraid, but at the same time I couldn't really think of anything yet as to why she would be afraid. Maybe that's also the case because I wrote this in a short time, little flash of inspiration, and I wanted it in words as fast as I could, without really thinking about it alot. Just a simple draft to perhaps make people known to the way I write I guess, and see if people would be at all interested in a story based on Aquaria.

@Alphasoldier
I don't want the story to actually be a pre- or sequel to the Aquaria story, I want more of a stand alone story but I do see what you mean with the familiarity, that's kind of a problem with basing a story on something, it's easy to have too much stuff in it that I can compare. And the info on the name is just something extra which won't be in the actual story.

Nontheless, both of you, thanks for the feedback

[Lady-Succubus]

Maybe you could have some element of the outside world change her cave? Maybe like the water level starts dropping! D:

[WiZaRDuSS]

So... taking recent feedback in mind, I decided to pretty much rewrite the opening of my story.. Once again, feedback is appreciated

I am one of the countless diverse creatures to live in the oceans of Claesha-itryn. One day I was simply swimming around in my home cave, looking at the walls I had seen so often. I have lived alone for years now, and I can’t remember anything else. My life has always been the ‘perfect’ one. Living in a nice place, plenty of food, no one around to harm me. Still, I’ve always had this feeling of unease, as if something – or someone – was watching me. It didn’t really bother me much; life was the same every day. But today I noticed that the jellyfish usually swimming around my cave in massive schools, have... disappeared, leaving only a few jellyfish behind to enhance the view around my place. This made the feeling of being watched, become a more ominous one, as if what’s been watching me has done this as some kind of warning. If only I’d know why, since I can’t remember doing anyone any harm, other than gathering food like all other creatures did.
I have always been anxious about where I came from, what my race was like, what their customs were. But most of all, since this morning, I wanted to know what, or who was watching me. Until now I never really had a reason to go, but this change gave me the support I needed to climb over the wall that was holding me back. Even though I wanted – no, needed – to go now, I still spent weeks pondering over what could’ve happened to the jellyfish, and why leaving here would make a difference. But by staying here I would just keep having the same routine every day, at the risk of losing everything that’s familiar around me. So I decided to go do something about it, make sure this will stop, and hopefully, find out about my past, the past I forgot.
I took the food I had left from my hunts these past weeks, which would last me some days before I had to hunt again. I would miss my life here, the ease of going through everything every day. As I got closer to the borders of the caves I lived in, I started to fear the idea of leaving this familiar place, even though the once safe feelings had left me together with the jelly fish. I was afraid of what I might encounter, afraid if I could gather the supplies necessary to live. But I couldn’t go back now, I’d made my decision, and I couldn’t let the creatures I grew to be familiar with down. I couldn’t let any of the others disappear. With strong resolve I pushed my webbed feet through the water, pushing myself over the boundaries of my comfortable life. There was no turning back now.

[Lady-Succubus]

I know it's the idea you're trying to get across, but I think you say "watched" a little too much. I also don't think "I am one of the countless diverse creatures to live in the oceans of Claesha-itryn." is a very good hook. Though it doesn't help with my first point, using "I am being watched" might make readers more interested.

You might also want to keep in mind "Show, not tell." Just saying once that your narrator is being watched is enough, I think. After that, you could hint at the theme of being watched, possibly saying things like "like eyes staring at me through the walls of my cave." Your flashback about the jellies is fine, but if you ever find yourself using "because," it could be in need of some revising.

But of course, this is only a beginning passage, so it's really too little for me to judge on. Maybe a little telling is okay at the beginning of a work if you follow it with great imagery and ideas. I guess we'll have to keep watching to see. Keep up the good work! =^.^=

[Echolocating]

You might also want to keep in mind "Show, not tell." Just saying once that your narrator is being watched is enough, I think. After that, you could hint at the theme of being watched, possibly saying things like "like eyes staring at me through the walls of my cave." Your flashback about the jellies is fine, but if you ever find yourself using "because," it could be in need of some revising.

I completely agree with Lady-Succubus. Also, your revision is definitely a step in the right direction.

I wonder about the choice to use all inner monologue though. The slightly pensive contemplation isn't very engaging. Instead of further speculation though, I'll offer my own take on what you might be trying to accomplish. I'm not saying it's better or worse, it's just how I would deal with the scenario of kicking off a similar story...

Looking out across the shadowy ocean depths, her thoughts drifted in search of something she could painfully not even fathom. Her home, if she could call it that, had always been within a few hundred meters among the craggy rocks and twisting tunnels that littered a small area of the sea bottom, keeping her safe from predators. She was skillful when it came to survival, but a life dictated by fear had no worth to her anymore. For her own sanity, what little was left of it, she knew she had to leave.

The time to abandon her prison was almost upon her. She waited, peering through the cracks in the rocks. Soon the creatures that she feared most would scurry away, for the leviathan was almost near. It's migration was like clockwork as the ominous shadow began to pass over the bottom, blocking all what little light there was. As the darkness engulfed her, she knew it was time.

She pushed off, a brief panic surged through her scaled body as her gaze held steady towards the base of the great cliff. Her salvation would be up, along the rock wall to whatever heights it reached. The ocean floor soon turned from familiar nooks and crannies to a near endless and foreign plain of sand. There was no going back now, no place to hide, no way to out swim anything that caught her scent. Her heart beat echoed within as every stroke took her further from safety... and closer to freedom.

Anyway, hopefully that gives you another perspective on the matter.  Even though I don't read, I think I would enjoy reading your story as it unfolds. The fact that you have the guts to start something like this and gather feedback tells me that you'll do just fine. 

[Lady-Succubus]

@Echolocating
You sir/ma'am, are amazing and an inspiration to us all.

[WiZaRDuSS]

@Lady-Succubus
After reading it again, I must say I agree with the watched thing, but I'm not going to use it as a hook for the story, since I want to try to keep the focus on the beauty of the surroundings, instead of putting the main focus on her being watched.
And sometimes it's just annoying for me to find the right words, English not being my native language, which is why it might be a tad repetitive sometimes..

@Echolating
You don't read alot and yet you write that?
Anyway, that's also a way to look on it, and I think I'm going to try and revise it again, though I will keep a part inner monologue, since that way the reader gets pulled more into the mind of the narrator. Plus I simply need more experience in writing, and how to keep things more interesting, which is why all the feedback is welcome. It's something I like to do, but have little experience in. Plus, I haven't read a lot of books in English, which is also a reason that I haven't got a good view at the way English literature is written. Directly translating from dutch(my native language) makes it hard to have nice sentences because of the way the sentences are arranged in a different way.

Anyway here is the, once again, revised version, the first 2 paragraphs are mainly inner monologue, to get a feeling on how she feels and thinks about certain things. I did make adjustments to the watched parts, to have less repetition.
The third paragraph is becoming more like I think I want to write the rest of the story, part just all knowing narrator, and part inner monologue.

I am one of the countless diverse creatures to live in the oceans of Claesha-itryn. One day I was simply swimming around in my home cave, looking at the walls I had seen so often. I have lived alone for years now, and I can’t remember anything else. My life has always been the ‘perfect’ one. Living in a nice place, plenty of food, no one around to harm me. Still, I’ve always had this feeling of unease, as if something – or someone – was watching me. It didn’t really bother me much; life was the same every day. But today I noticed that the jellyfish usually swimming around my cave in massive schools, have... disappeared, leaving only a few jellyfish behind to enhance the view around my place. This made the feeling of being watched, become a more ominous one, doing this as some kind of warning. If only I’d know why, since I can’t remember doing anyone any harm, other than gathering food like all other creatures did.
I have always been anxious about where I came from, what my race was like, what their customs were. But most of all, since this morning, I wanted to know what those peering looks were from. Until now I never really had a reason to go, but this change gave me the support I needed to climb over the wall that was holding me back. Even though I wanted – no, needed – to go now, I still spent weeks pondering over what could’ve happened to the jellyfish, and why leaving here would make a difference. But by staying here I would just keep having the same routine every day, at the risk of losing everything that’s familiar around me. So I decided to go do something about it, make sure this will stop, and hopefully, find out about my past, the past I forgot.

After foraging the food she’d need to last the first few days of this trip, she started thinking about what she’d leave behind. The ease of life as she had experienced it would almost surely disappear. As she followed the path between through the cracked cave walls, she got afraid of leaving, afraid of what she might encounter on her path. On the other hand, her home caves weren’t as safe as they used to be anymore, if massive schools of jellyfish could disappear in a mere night.
Would I be able to gather what I need to survive? I don’t even have a clue of what kinds of creatures and plants I would see if I moved on. But I couldn’t let the creatures I’ve grown familiar with disappear, they were too important for me, they kept me company. I can’t let them down!
Thrusting her webbed feet through the water with a strong resolve to finish what she had just started, she came to a wide cave, bigger then she could have dreamt of. There were so many beautiful fish, far more colorful as any creature she’d seen before. Along the cavern walls were a massive amount of plants, kinds she had never seen, not a spot on the wall was left untouched. She loved the view of this new environment, and a passion to go on adventure in these new and lush environments started burning in her very soul. She knew there was no turning back now.

P.S. Sorry to ask you guys to read pretty much the same thing over and over. But I really appreciate the feedback, and I think it has already helped me improve my writing skills. It's a change from asking people I know in real life, they never give strong conclusive feedback, they usually want to be nice, though I've told them I'd rather have them burn it down completely then "be nice"about it. But at least I'm able to ask here, and the feedback I get here is certainly more useful. Thanks for all the help on this

[Echolocating]

Plus, I haven't read a lot of books in English, which is also a reason that I haven't got a good view at the way English literature is written. Directly translating from dutch(my native language) makes it hard to have nice sentences because of the way the sentences are arranged in a different way.

Your English is very fluent, WiZaRDuSS. I wish I had the drive the learn another language. I've always thought Japanese would the one for me if I weren't so lazy. Anyway, your grasp of English is really good. I never suspected that English wasn't your first language.

I'll just point out a few things from your text that stand out to me...

I am one of the countless diverse creatures to live in the oceans of Claesha-itryn. One day I was simply swimming around in my home cave, looking at the walls I had seen so often. I have lived alone for years now, and I can’t remember anything else. -- Instead of just looking, have her interact in other ways with her environment. Her delicate hand caressed the rough, barnacled wall of her home... We tend to hold things that we care about in our hands to remember not only how they looked, but felt, smelled, etc. -- My life has always been the ‘perfect’ one. Living in a nice place, plenty of food, no one around to harm me. Still, I’ve always had this feeling of unease, as if something – or someone – was watching me. It didn’t really bother me much; life was the same every day. But today I noticed that the jellyfish usually swimming around my cave in massive schools, have... disappeared, leaving only a few jellyfish behind to enhance the view around my place. This made the feeling of being watched, become a more ominous, one, doing this as like some kind of warning. If only I’d know knew why, since I can’t remember doing anyone anything any harm, other than gathering food like all other creatures did.
I have always been anxious about where I came from, what my race was like, what their customs were. But most of all, since this morning, I wanted to know what those peering looks were from. Until now I never really had a reason to go, but this change gave me the support I needed to climb over the wall that was holding me back. Even though I wanted – no, needed – to go now, I still spent weeks pondering over what could’ve happened to the jellyfish -- I thought the jellyfish disappeared just today? Now we're weeks in the future? -- , and why leaving here would make a difference. But by staying, here I would just keep having the same routine every day, at the risk of losing everything that’s familiar around me. So I decided to go do something about it, make sure this will stop, and hopefully, find out about my past, the past I forgot.

After foraging the food she’d need to last the first few days of this trip, she started thinking about what she’d leave behind. The ease of life as she had experienced it would almost surely disappear. As she followed the path between through the cracked cave walls, she got became afraid of leaving, afraid of what she might encounter on her path journey. On the other hand, her home caves weren’t as safe as they used to be anymore, if massive schools of jellyfish could disappear in a mere night.
Would I be able to gather what I need to survive? I don’t even have a clue of what kinds of creatures and plants I would see if I moved on. But I couldn’t let the creatures I’ve grown familiar with disappear, they were too important for me, they kept me company. I can’t let them down!
Thrusting her webbed feet through the water with a strong resolve to finish what she had just started, she came to a wide cave, bigger larger then she could have dreamt of. There were so many beautiful fish, far more colorful as than any creature she’d seen before. Along the cavern walls were a massive amount of plants, kinds she had never seen that were completely foreign to her, not a spot on the wall was left untouched. She loved the view of this new environment, and a passion to go on adventure in these this new and lush environments started burning in her very soul. She knew there was no turning back now.

...I tweaked your sentences slightly due to various reasons:  some to avoid repetition, others to read more easily, and in some cases to make your statements more deliberate and concise. Every sentence should be purposeful and not dance around an issue. Something I didn't address is how you handled revealing her memory loss. It seems pretty important to me, yet it feels glossed over.

Other than those minor issues, I really like what you've done. Aquaria is all about exploration and discovery, whether it lies with the environment or within the protagonist. I'm really curious about this cave entrance she's discovered. Consider my interest piqued. 

[WiZaRDuSS]

I did use your changes, as they made the story more interesting to read. And the memory loss is something I want to explain later on in the story.
To address the yellow comments;
the first one is changed to this:
I was simply swimming around in my home cave, my delicate hands brushing along the familiar rough walls, looking at them as I had so many times before.
Not the most original thing, but it's something I will keep in mind for other parts of my story.
the second one:
I still spent some time pondering over what could’ve happened to the jellyfish
This way the reader can decide what time she spent thinking about them.

Thanks again for the time you´re spending by reading and commenting on my story, the little bit it is right now